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iheartdaville
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Name: Laura
Country: United States
State: North Carolina
Metro: Durham
Birthday: 1/7/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: photography, goodwill tshirts, camp, books, yarn bracelets, random facts,
Expertise: making a mess, being loud, invitations, peppermint mochas
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/12/2004
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| we sat on the porch and watched the rain during dinner last night.
it was better than TV.
the whirlwind of newness has become a well of settling in and anticipation of the newness to come after may. i am excited, afraid, in love, frustrated, lost and found in a school that is way too familiar and becoming more and more foreign every day.
how do you share twenty seven emotions without spilling out all over the place and becoming a flash flood? Or is it acceptable, since i saw the heavens open and flood my street last night? | | |
| so i've been journaling a lot in a real journal lately. it's been a novel idea for me.
CPE is getting serious. people dying, people hurting, children who are sick. it seems like to write about it would be depressing, but i promise it's not and i'm not immune. sometimes it makes me cry, but there's something lovely about bringing an awareness that God is present into a room, or the chaos of the ER. and there's something beautiful about walking into the chaos and becoming aware that God is already present, already moving, already brooding over people like a mother broods over her children.
i've also become more aware of myself, and how angry and disappointed with school i am. i am upset, i feel betrayed, i feel discouraged, and i feel afraid that we as a school have become fixated upon things that are not God. like grades. and being the best. or being average. or getting ahead. or being correct. i'm trying to think about this and feel this through as best i can. are there certain people who have hurt me? yes, so maybe i should talk to them. do i feel at general dis-ease with the school as a whole? yes. are there people there that i dearly love? yes. i actually thought about the choice to return or not.
i went to a racial reconcilation worship service for all of Louisville yesterday, and it was a vision of the last day when people from all nations and races will gather together to praise God. reconciled to God, Reconciled to self, reconciled to each other. I do not like being at odds with the people and the school. i'm not sure what to do about that. but to bury the anger and dissatisfaction in my heart isn't the right thing to do anymore. so i need to pray about it.
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| today i visited two patients in a row who are both in the hospital for being underweight one still a baby. the other barely an adult. one could be a disease that makes it difficult to digest food. the other is a battle for control. and i broke. i cried. because i had to. loving people in the hospital is intense.suffering with them is hard. | | |
| and then my good aggie friend who is living in the boonies of north carolina speaks of the struggle i have in my heart. am i ministering to be successful, and/or to be a living vessel/prophet/priest/comforter/witness of God? today i signed up for the Children's ED ("that's emergency department, they are not a room") as one of my daily rounds. was it because i sensed God was calling me there while we were discussing where to go? or is it because the Children's ED sounds way cooler than 3North "almost-well-enough-to-go-home" babies unit is? God give me the discernment to know when to be sacrificial about my own preferences, and when to stand up for them because they will lead me to where you have called. because i have found that success does not always mean that i am where you ask me to be, and that failure is not always a sign that i have misinterpreted/ignored Your direction. bestill my heart, so that i may be at peace as i follow You. note: i have still not figured out when and where it is okay to cry as a chaplain. but i do know that crying is more than okay, even recommended at times and in certain places. | | |
| so... it's my first day at Norton Hospital as a chaplain intern (although keep that hush hush, the patients think i'm experienced at this) and the entire day was full of orientation and disorientation at the maze i'm working in all summer. i now have my own picture id badge, set of keys, and a pager. they seem awfully eager to trust me. and it is a breath of fresh air. no grades. no earning my right to be heard. no proving myself under the miscroscope. they didn't even ask to see my driver's license to make sure i was who i said i was. i like being trusted. i think i want to keep it this way. and now we have our first call down to the er...let's see how this goes. Jesus is here. amidst the pain. and i love him. | | |
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